A bizarrely creative, perhaps, (and very sarcastic) writing…
‘How to’ guide: Smoking Tobacco in 5 easy steps
(Free 6th, optional bonus-step included!)
For the purpose of this guide we’ll refer to “using tobacco” as smoking. Other induction methods vary in similarities.
Step 1. Get out 5 bucks, buy a pack of cigarettes. Open pack, pull one out. Light your first cigarette while sucking, get a good miasma that puffs your cheeks, then breath in. And get used to carrying a lighter and your lil’ box of smokes with you at all times. Never go without!
Step 2. Smoke with some regularity until it begins to “call” you. What you may ask, will be calling me? Well, let’s just say a new friend is coming. And don’t sweat the small stuff, you’ll get used to certain things: it tastes like shit, especially at first, and you’re gonna stink, and, the initial effects are just about nauseating and dizzying. For those who care about what others think, remember, if you decide to stop smoking, others who introduced you to this new habit, or those who cheered you on, might think less of you. Don’t want to disappoint the pusher now, do ya?
Step 3. Hang in there just a little longer. Now, I know it’s nasty and everyone (well, not everyone) thinks you’re gross now but keep on puffing. Puff, puff, you can do it! And if you are worried about the car or house stinking too, well get over it. It’s something you will learn to live with. You’re reward is coming. Think snowball, one of delicious foul tasting smoke—that you will enjoy!
Step 4. Wow. You did it! You’re just about there. You begin enjoying the benefits of being addicted to a drug. A few weeks may have passed in order to reach this milestone but of course, try to stay fit, eat right, and remain salubrious otherwise. Exercise is recommended, although you might get the occasional cough, or lack-of-breath feeling. Keeping up with your health will allow you the personal assumption—who cares if it’s true or not—that you’re playing on an even field, and belief is power, right? You’ve already started a path to a new life, one where you don’t give a damn. Keep your chin up, fight the system, and most importantly—be cool!
Step 5. Congratulations! You are now addicted! Totally and wholly!
You can now enjoy being called upon by your new best friend, Mr. Addition. He’ll call out many times daily. And when Mr. A says it’s time, well, be ready! Be it freezing, be it hot, your friend might call. Oh, he’ll be laughing while you stand in the outdoor extremes, gettin’ your puff on, freezing your balls or tits off—but you no longer care! Because he gives you so much more in return! Some benefits include, but are not limited too: a feeling of soothing relaxation as you smoke, with slight dizziness, perhaps. You are now able to satisfy Mr. A over and over, and over again, and satisfaction feels fantastic. You get to ride the roller coaster of ups and downs, an excellent chance for you to crave, crave, and crave again, then satisfy your newfound friend, and all of his demands. It feels great to crave an addiction, over and over and over…
Step 6. (optional) BONUS! Quiting: Some people decide to quit smoking after starting, for various reasons, but step 6 is purely optional. You’ll go through HELL quitting, and it is not easy. Your “friend,” Mr. A, will keep calling you, and more persistently than ever. And he’ll seem a GOD, almighty and omnipotently powerful. The craving will hurt and you will want to give in, go outside and freeze some more—anything to smoke a fag (FYI: noobs to Earth…fag means smoke). If you decide on this option hang in there once again, don’t give up. In the end it truly is worth it, because a successful separation from your addiction, quitting, is regarded as a great life accomplishment. Others will congratulate you because you did something special, going above and beyond.
A note from the author…
Hi, I’m Travis Borne. Really, there’s nothing funny about tobacco, smoking, dipping, chewing.
I had smoked from age 16 to 24, then finally quit for good. I thought it was coooooool, man, and there was a good heaping of peer pressure, and mullets and feathered hair, and lots of stupid things we did, back then, in the 80s and 90s. I’m sure there still is today. We all see the dumb stuff, especially we see it now, in this age of accountability. But it’s not always easy growing up—and I understand. I truly do.
My advice. Don’t start smoking. Don’t start anything that is addictive. See yourself objectively like a puppet master, from above. Control the human that is you, below. You have that power. You do. Form good and wise habits, for there’s great power in habits, both the good ones—and the bad ones, unfortunately.
Now, you got this. Times are tough, sometimes, and you’re going to have much pain in this life—that just comes with the territory, this “being human” thing. Some advice, and I’m not trying to be condescending, don’t make your life more difficult than it has to be. And care for those around you—I suggest, more than you care for your own self—for if everyone cared more for others, than for themselves, we’d exist in heaven on earth, right now.
And an aside, that you do know. There’s companies out there, companies that do not have our, humanity’s, yours or my best interest at heart. They care for themselves first, and the almighty dollar, a green piece of paper, more than a human being, a human being who can be so magnificently wonderful and creative…and just great.
Don’t let these companies play you. Don’t buy into it. Don’t smoke. Don’t give these bad companies your green papers. Control yourself, you are the puppet master, and you, the puppet below, can live in heaven—right now.